All She Ever Wanted Read online

  Julie’s books dropped out of her arms and she fell to her knees on the out of date shag carpet. Covering her face with her hands, she began to sob. She wept for her mother, she wept for herself, and she wept with relief. She sobbed, sitting on the floor of in the front foyer for what seemed like hours and not one of the men came over to comfort her. It wasn’t their fault. They were stoic men and didn’t know what she needed. They were also too consumed with their own grief and funeral arrangements to worry about if Julie was ok.

  As she cried, Julie started to feel angry and that they didn’t deserve to have grief. She was the one who had nursed her mother through her sickest days, who kept her company when she was lonely and scared; it was Julie who had held cool washcloths to her mother’s neck as she vomited and moistened her cracked lips with Vaseline. Her brothers had escaped from the heartache of watching their mother waste away and now they were stealing her grief. Her father had not been the one who had comforted his dying wife, and now he could not even console the person who had. Most of all, she was angry that they had gotten to say goodbye and she had not.

  The immediate onslaught of aunts and cousins that descended upon her to tell her what to do and how she should be acting, didn’t do much to help Julie’s mood either. One aunt from her father’s side, who had only met her mother twice, admonished Julie at the wake for crying too much. As she knelt in front of her mother’s casket, weeping openly, the aunt pulled her away and told her “your mother would not want you to cry so much; she would want you to be happy.” The woman meant well, but all Julie could think was, how does this woman who didn’t even KNOW my mother have the nerve to tell me what my mother would WANT?

  Julie, who was drying Kaylee off, remembered this depressing and tragic point in her life. Hugging her daughter tightly, she felt a deep sense of melancholy. Thoughts of her mother did not often surface as Julie did not allow herself get caught up in depressing emotions. She wished her mother could have met the girls. Janice would have adored them. She also wished her mother could see her now, with all she had accomplished in her life despite the tragedy of losing her mother on the cusp of the most difficult years of life.

  In actuality, Julie realized that it was her mother’s illness and death that had led her to the path she had taken. Despite the sorrow and eventual anger she had experienced, helping her mother had been rewarding at the time. She felt that in some way, she had made a small, but measurable difference at the end of her mother’s life. While many teens that lose a parent turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort, Julie redirected her loneliness and poured her energy into excelling at school. She declined dates and pushed away friends. Adopting a stoic demeanor, like the men of her family, she did not allow herself to become overly involved and emotional with others. Such distractions might cause her to lose sight of her goals. As a result, she graduated high school Valedictorian of her class with a full scholarship to Michigan State.

  Julie’s father had been beaming with pride, taking full credit for his brilliant daughter’s accomplishments until she announced she was not going to be pre-med like he wanted. Instead, she was choosing nursing as a career. Her father was furious and tried to push her into changing her major, but Julie stood her ground. She remembered the day she left for college, her father shouting at her that she was “ruining her life” and “wasting her God given talents by being a lowly nurse”. She packed her bags and boxes, loaded her car and never looked back. This argument caused a deep rift between Julie and her father that was never fully repaired despite her success in her career.

  “Mommy, you’re squishing me,” Kaylee whined. Julie released her grip on her daughter.

  “Sorry, honey,” she apologized. “Let’s get you in your pjs and into bed.” Julie stepped into the girls’ room to find Molly already in bed looking at a book. Since they had only just completed kindergarten, neither of the girls could read very well yet, but Molly recognized many sight words and enjoyed easy readers. Kaylee, on the other hand, preferred to be read to every night.

  Julie helped her sick daughter into her pajamas and put the waste basket near her bed, despite Kaylee’s insistence that she was fine. Perching on the edge of Kaylee’s bed, she stroked her hair while she read the girls their favorite story, If You Give a Pig a Pancake. Memories of Janice reading to her as a child came flooding back to her, causing a lump to rise in her throat.

  Kaylee, the ever sensitive twin, sensed her mother’s melancholy and asked, “Mommy? Are you sad?”

  Molly, practical to the core, replied, “Well the pig is all sticky; of course she’s sad. Mommy hates a mess.”

  Julie laughed unexpectedly at her daughter’s observation. She tousled the girls’ hair. “No, I’m fine silly girls,” she assured them, kissing each. “Good night.”

  “Night, Mommy,” they called in unison, both turning on their sides. Molly on her right and Kaylee on her left; they closed their eyes.

  Julie smiled to herself as she switched off the light. She felt so lucky to have not one, but two smart and wonderful children. She had to give Josh some credit there. She didn’t get to interact with them as much as she liked, mostly nights and weekends. Sometimes, she felt like a part time parent, often feeling guilty for not being a bigger part of their lives, but tonight she didn’t dwell on that thought. Tonight, she was proud of her girls and didn’t feel inadequate. Instead, she felt like she had turned out to be a darn good mother.

  Julie entered her bedroom to find Josh lying on top of the comforter, half dressed and completely asleep. Thank goodness, Julie thought, setting her alarm and crawling under the covers. Emotionally drained from memories of her mother, she didn’t have the energy for round 2 of a fight. She was so exhausted that she fell asleep almost instantly.

  Chapter 9

  Monday morning arrived without alarms blaring or rudely awoken children. The whole family had slept quietly through the night. No vomiting, no nightmares, no sexy dreams. Julie woke automatically two minutes before her alarm, well rested and ready for the day ahead. She climbed out of bed, pleased to be able to carry out her regular routine. After her morning run, Julie was able to get ready for work uninterrupted, thankful for summer break from school. Hopefully the girls would sleep in every morning. If they didn’t wake up early, she didn’t have to wake Josh up early and deal with him.

  Julie arrived at the hospital at 7:00 on the dot and went about her daily work with a smile on her face. She locked the memories of her fight with Josh out of her mind and into a vault, along with any impure thoughts of Alex. Monday was usually a busy day at work for her, so constant demands of her job kept her thoughts on track. Even so, she did find herself glancing at the clock from time to time during the day secretly willing it to be 7pm.

  Around 4:00, Julie was riding the elevator down from the VIP suites on the 11th floor. The VIP suites were hospital rooms for wealthy patients who didn’t mind paying out of pocket for extra services and posher surroundings. She had just been visiting the CEO of a local chain of supermarkets whose wife was “highly dissatisfied” with her husband’s nursing care.

  Just once, Julie wished while rubbing her throbbing temples, I’d like to have to deal with a ‘highly satisfied’ customer. The exquisitely dressed Mrs. Madison had droned on for nearly a half hour about the speed at which call bells were answered. The woman had the audacity to actually keep a log of the time it took for the nurses to arrive after the button was pushed. After a few minutes of listening to this spoiled woman rant and watching her mortified husband try to ignore her, Julie fought the urge to shake her and scream. She wanted to tell her that considering the call bell was being answered in less than two minutes she should be grateful and stop pressing it so much. Mr. Madison, after all, was not the only patient, contrary to his wife’s misguided belief. However, Julie remained professional and simply nodded understandingly, interjecting meaningless statements such as, “of course” and “absolutely”.

  Needless to say, the empty elevator ride down
seven floors was a welcome change. So when the elevator stopped and the doors opened on floor 9, Julie groaned audibly. Beyond the doors stood Alex Peyton. Julie stiffened and consciously ordered her heart to slow down.

  “Well, hello,” Alex remarked as he stepped on to the elevator, surprised to see her. ”Fancy meeting you here,” he kidded with a grin. Julie felt herself smiling despite her best efforts not to.

  “Ha,” she chuckled. “Well, it’s bound to happen. I am up and down this elevator all day long.” Never alone with a gorgeous man who makes my heart rate skyrocket, she added silently. She immediately considered taking the stairs from this point on to further avoid such reactions to her body.

  Lucky me,” Alex replied with a sly wink, “And I have you all to myself this time.”

  Julie sucked in her breath, trying to breathe normally and speak. Fortunately, she didn’t need to respond because they had arrived at her floor.

  “Don’t forget about our coffee date later,” Alex called as Julie stepped off the elevator. Julie flushed and glanced down the hallway to make sure nobody had overheard him. Thankfully, she could see Maryanne at her desk, phone to her good ear, oblivious to the exchange taking place at the elevator.

  Turning to Alex as the doors were closing, she smiled and replied, “I’ll see you then.” Even after the doors had shut Julie stood there, smiling in their direction. Her whole body felt as if it were beaming. Not only had he remembered, he had called it a “date”.

  “Julie!” called Maryanne impatiently. “I’ve got half a dozen messages for you! Could you stop grinning like a dope and come here to take them?”

  Julie ambled over to Maryanne’s desk and grabbed the pink phone slips, still smiling to herself. She floated toward her office, leaving Maryanne to wonder what on earth had come over her friend

  *******************************************

  Four hours later, Julie shifted nervously in her seat at the coffee shop. She glanced at the wall clock. 7:52. Alex was very late. Had he forgotten? Was he held up with work? Or was he just messing with me head, seeing how long I would wait for him? Julie wondered miserably while picking at the lid of her coffee cup. She started scraping her manicured nails down the sides of the Styrofoam cup.

  “Careful,” warned a voice from behind her, “You poke a hole in that cup and you’ll burn yourself for sure.” Recognizing Alex’s voice, Julie felt an involuntary smile creeping up on her face. “Sorry, I’m late,” Alex apologized while pulling up a chair, turning it around and straddling it. For a brief second, Julie wished she was that chair. Feeling the color rise in her cheeks, she immediately returned her attention to what Alex was saying. “There must have been a full moon tonight because we admitted so many people who fell down doing really reckless things,” Alex was saying. “Thank goodness you didn’t add yourself to the list by burning yourself with coffee,” he added, grinning mischievously. “That’s some of the world’s hottest coffee in that cup.”

  “Yes, yes,” Julie replied, thankfully for the diversion of her dirty thoughts. “I think they make it so hot so nobody notices how awful it actually tastes. Unfortunately for us, it’s a necessary evil around this place.”

  “Haha, that’s true,” Alex responded. “That coffee keeps this hospital running, that’s for sure. They both chuckled, sharing the joke. When the laughter died down, it gave way to uncomfortable silence as neither Julie nor Alex were sure how to steer the conversation. Julie resisted the urge to fiddle with the coffee lid some more and spoke first.

  “So, Alex,” she began, “I’m sure you didn’t ask me here to talk about hospital coffee.”

  “No,” Alex confirmed with a smile, “We could have covered that unpleasant subject in the parking lot.” Once again, they both laughed, enjoying the private joke.

  Suddenly, Alex stopped laughing and leaned forward. “I know the ER is a very competitive place. It’s difficult to get into and difficult to stay there. It’s rare for a new nurse to get an ER spot. They have to be a real stand out. I want to know what I need to do to get a position in our ER.” He smiled, revealing his dimples and dazzling white teeth.

  Suddenly, Julie felt lightheaded. Now she understood. Alex was flirting with her, paying her special attention, not because he found her attractive or was interested in what she had to say, but to advance himself in his career. She was the director of nursing and had the authority to place any nurse where she deemed fit.

  Julie had never felt so humiliated in all her life. She felt anger mixing with the embarrassment and resisted the urge to lash out and smack him. Instead, she gathered her belongings and spoke as calmly as she could under the circumstances.

  “Mr. Peyton, it is highly inappropriate for you to invite me to dinner or coffee in order to attempt to sweet talk me into a nursing position,” Julie stated curtly as she stood up.

  Alex’s face fell, as if he had actually been slapped. He reached out to touch her hand, but Julie pulled it back before she could feel the electricity he had generated in the past.

  “Julie,” Alex stammered, trying to explain “May I call you Julie?”

  “No,” Julie responded flatly.

  Alex shook his head disappointedly. “Ok, Ms. Hendricks, then. That was not my intention at all.”

  “Really,” Julie responded suspiciously, “Then what exactly was your intention, Mr. Peyton?”

  “I was mostly looking for your advice on what classes or certifications would be most beneficial to me. I don’t want to waste time on classes that won’t be helpful in honing my skills or look good on a resume. Like, what would stand out and make you or another nurse manager want to hire a person. I actually was considering a move to New York in the future and want to work in a New York hospital ER,” Alex replied. “It was never my intention to try to score points with you or bribe you.” He reached for her hand again. This time, Julie didn’t pull away.

  “Oh,” she replied, experiencing extreme embarrassment for the second time in five minutes. “That’s definitely a different story, then.” She had just implied he was trying to get in her pants in order to advance his career. What made her jump to that conclusion?

  Alex also appeared slightly embarrassed. “Hey, no problem. Sorry if I wasn’t clear before,” he remarked awkwardly. Julie smiled weakly, still uncomfortable. Sitting back down, she shifted herself back into professional mode.

  “Well, I would definitely recommend your ACLS and PALS to be up to date,” she stated with a businesslike manner. “But if you are a paramedic, that shouldn’t be an issue for you.”

  Alex leaned back in the chair. “Well, like I said, I enjoy the adrenaline rush, so I will be sticking with the rig for a while.”

  “As you know, we never put brand new nurses in the ER. Too much of a liability. But after your probation period is up, we look at your record before considering anyone for a new position there. We look at attendance record, patient satisfaction surveys, and your disciplinary reports.”

  “So you wouldn’t want someone who had lost a lot of patients or had med errors in the ER, right?” Alex asked with interest.

  Julie nodded and removed a folder from her attaché. She shuffled through the pages until she found the one she was looking for and slid it across the table to Alex. “These are the professional development classes the hospital will be offering in the fall. Some, as you can see, are geared toward emergency department personnel. However, they are free to all hospital employees, so I would suggest you take advantage of them,” Julie explained. “There is also a fantastic emergency medicine seminar in St. Louis every year. I believe it’s actually in a few weeks. In July. I have attended in the past and I’ve found it very helpful and recommend it to all the nurses interested in emergency medicine. It’s a little costly, but well worth it.” As Alex began to study the information Julie had given him, she stood up and grabbed her belongs, once again.

  “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to be getting home. It’s late,” Julie announced, turning quickly
and leaving the coffee shop before Alex could respond.

  She entered the main lobby and practically ran down the escalator, not waiting for the steps to move on their own. She hit the bottom step and went dashing toward the revolving door. Exiting the hospital, she was out of breath.

  Julie could not believe she had been so foolish. She had actually believed Alex was attracted to her. Obviously, she had been misreading his signals. Just because a man flirts with you, doesn’t mean he’s attracted to you, she chided herself.

  Shielding her eyes from the glare of the setting sun, Julie glanced around the parking lot. She didn’t see her Range Rover. It was then she realized she had been in such a hurry to exit the hospital that she had not turned at the escalator. Instead of leaving through the door to the employee parking lot, she had left through the visitor parking lot doors. Her car was around the other side of the building.

  Annoyed with herself, Julie decided to walk around the outside of the building rather than take the shortcut through the lobby and risk running into Alex. She continued to berate herself as she headed in the direction of her car. Even if he was attracted to you, what difference did it make? What would you have done about it?

  After thinking for a minute, Julie realized even though she would have never acted on her desires, it had been nice to think a young, good looking man was attracted to her. It had been a short lived, but welcome ego boost. Julie rounded the corner and saw her car parked under the lights in the lot. She also saw Alex leaning against it. Julie stopped short. What could he want now? She had given him the information he wanted; was he seeking her out because he knew she had been enticed by his good looks and was enjoying torturing her with his charm? Did it amuse him to watch her make a fool of herself?