All She Ever Wanted Read online

  Maryanne spoke first, her expression softened. “I know it’s not fair to judge,” she stated calmly. “I don’t know the whole situation, or the details. I don’t know what’s been going on in your head or even with you and Josh.” She hesitated, unsure whether to bring her personal pain into this discussion. “But Julie, you should have come to me. You always come to me. Didn’t you trust me to help you through this? To make the right choice?”

  Julie immediately became defensive and stood up. “Hold on. Who says I didn’t make the right choice? You just said that you didn’t know the situation. Maybe Josh has been beating me or having an affair or maybe he’s gay and this is our arrangement? Why are you assuming I made the wrong choice?” she demanded.

  Maryanne, who had known Julie and Josh, for nearly fourteen years, asked Julie pointedly, “But none of that is the case, is it?” Julie slumped back in her chair.

  “No,” she replied. “It’s not.” she looked at Maryanne, pleadingly. “You don’t understand, Maryanne. I can’t even put into words how he made me feel.”

  Maryanne’s stern look returned to her face. “He made you feel beautiful, wanted and like you were the only person in the world,” she retorted as she counted each off on her fingers. “Am I correct?”

  Julie shook her head affirmatively. “Yes, that’s exactly how he made me feel. How did you know?”

  Once again, Maryanne’s expression softened. “Oh, Julie,” she murmured. “Don’t you think I was young once, too?”

  Bewildered by the response, Julie inquired, “What do you mean?”

  Maryanne stared out the window behind Julie’s desk, her head tilted to one side, deep in thought. Finally, after several minutes of silence, she spoke. “His name was Jack.” Her eyes sparkled at the memory. “Paul and I had been married about three years. Gabe had just turned two. He was a difficult baby and I was pretty much exhausted all the time. Paul wasn’t any help at home. He generally came home from work, read his paper and then sat transfixed in front of the TV with his gin and tonics until he fell asleep.” Maryanne paused for a breath before going on. “Jack was our mechanic’s son. He was 18, fresh out of high school.” Julie looked surprised. “Oh, please Miss Julie, don’t look shocked. I was only 21 at the time. You forget, I got married at 18 because I was pregnant with Gabe.”

  Julie did remember now that Maryanne mentioned it. Paul had been much older than Maryanne. He was 26 and had just returned from Vietnam, sweeping Maryanne off her young and very impressionable feet. She had gotten pregnant on their first date and only date. Her parents being the staunch Catholics they were, insisted they get married.

  Maryanne continued her story. “Paul was having trouble with our Oldsmobile. Since we were living paycheck to paycheck at the time, we really didn’t have the money to fix it. Jack’s dad, Mr. Murdock was a great guy, whom I had known my whole life. He hated to see us without a car so he came up with a plan. He suggested that I help out in the shop on Saturdays when Paul was home and he would fix our car for us.

  “I had seen Jack at the shop from time to time over the years. He spent a lot of time there when he was growing up a stringy, lanky kid with a stutter. He hung around his dad and the other mechanics, learning how to fix cars. I remember kids had actually teased him growing up because he was so obsessed with cars. He would never hang out with the other boys and play ball, nor did he seem to have any interest in chasing girls.

  “I showed up to work that first Saturday and oh my word, Jack had sure grown up” Once again, Maryanne appeared starry eyed as she lost her place in her tale. Julie cleared her throat loudly and Maryanne returned back to the story.

  “So, anyway, I was extremely attracted to him. He had filled out and gotten taller, over 6 feet. The braces were gone, the awkward cowlick was gone. He was devastatingly handsome.” Maryanne sighed as she leaned her chin on her left hand. “He made my heart go pitter patter.”

  Julie laughed and Maryanne frowned. She held up her hand as she apologized. “I’m sorry, that just seemed funny. Go on,” she encouraged.

  “At first he was on the shy side, almost aloof, only speaking to me when he wanted something from the shop or needed me to call a customer. But as the weeks passed, he got more comfortable and started making light conversation with me, voluntarily. I found myself hanging around him as he fixed cars, just to talk to him. Even after Mr. Murdock fixed our Olds and told me the debt was paid, I asked to continue working there for some extra money. Paul didn’t mind. He usually pawned Gabe off on his mother while I was at work anyway.”

  Julie made a face. She had never liked Paul. He was loud and obnoxious and had never wanted to spend time with Gabe and Maryanne. He would usually spend his weekends at the VFW drinking with his buddies or on the golf course, also drinking with his buddies. He was definitely not a go-getter or a really attractive man, which made it surprising when Maryanne had found out he was had been having an affair for almost ten years. She had stayed in the loveless marriage for over twenty years, loyal as a dog. Well, Julie thought, maybe she wasn’t as loyal as she had originally believed.

  “I enjoyed spending time with Jack. He loved cars and working on them and he had a way of talking about them that almost made them fascinating. It was a passion for him and to hear him speak about it was inspiring somehow.

  “After a while we were easy friends. We talked about our lives and places we’d like to visit someday. Did you know Paul and I never went on vacation our whole marriage? Not even for our honeymoon. Sure, Paul went on business trips and I took Gabe to Florida a few times to visit my mother, but we never went on a vacation as a couple or a family.” Maryanne’s expression saddened as if she had just realized this upsetting fact for the first time. Julie smiled sympathetically at her friend. That was a depressing thought, to never share anything as simple as a vacation.

  Maryanne shook her head as she continued. “Anyway, we enjoyed each other’s company. Jack was restoring a ‘55 red Thunderbird convertible in his garage at home. That was the year I was born, so he started referring to the car as, My Maryann’.” Maryanne chuckled softly at the memory. “When the car was finished, he brought me to his house to see her.” Tears began to shine in Maryanne’s eyes. “She was a beaut. I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her.

  “Jack took me for a ride in the car that day. It was my 22nd birthday. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. Jack had remembered that I loved the beach. Even though it was only April, it was actually a warm spring day and he took me to the beach for a picnic lunch. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. Hell, Paul hadn’t even remembered it was my birthday,” Maryanne commented with disgust. “As we ate in the sand with the lake gently lapping in the background, Jack told me that he loved me. I was speechless. No man other than my father had ever uttered those words to me and I had no idea how to respond.” Maryanne closed her eyes, lost in a memory. “And I really didn’t know how to respond when he kissed me right after that.” She looked at Julie guiltily. “I did the only thing that felt right. I kissed him back. And I never felt like that in my whole life. No man or boy had ever taken the time to listen to me, my wants, my desires, to make me matter. Jack was the first one who had ever done that for me and as a result, I fell in love with him.”

  Maryanne averted Julie’s eyes as she continued with the tale. “I wanted to do the right thing. I was married, had a child, I knew this was wrong. But it felt so right, I couldn’t stop it.” Tears were now falling from her eyes. “I got pregnant, again. This time, Paul would know it wasn’t his child.”

  Julie involuntarily covered her mouth with her hand, stunned and at a loss for words. She and Maryanne had known each other for years and had revealed their deepest, darkest secrets to each other. Maryanne had never mentioned or hinted at any of this to Julie.

  With her eyes lowered, Maryanne spoke in a hushed tone, “When Jack found out, he wanted me to run away with him, divorce Paul and get married. I wanted to.” She paused a
nd raised her voice slightly. “You have no idea how badly I wanted to. But I had Gabe and Paul was his father. I couldn’t take him away from his father. Besides, my parents would have disowned me, not only making the same mistake twice in my life, but cheating on my husband? Forget it. Irish Catholics have murdered for less,” Maryanne remarked, laughing sarcastically.

  Returning to a somber tone, she looked Julie straight in the eye. “I did the only thing I thought I could do.” The tears streamed down Maryanne’s face. “I had an abortion. I scraped together the money I made from the shop and went and had it taken care of. The irony of that never fails to escape me,” she admitted with a sad half-hearted smile.

  Julie was speechless. She knew she needed to say something, so she opened her mouth, but all that came out was an unhelpful, “Oh.”

  “That was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life,” Maryanne declared. “And I’ve regretted it every single day since. There is not day that goes by that I don’t wonder about what could have been. That child, my relationship with Jack…” At this point, Maryanne’s voice trailed off.

  Julie took her best friend’s hands in hers and held them tenderly. “What happened with you and Jack?” she asked. The question made Maryanne’s tears turn to sobs. Julie stroked her hands until she was able to speak.

  “It was awful,” Maryanne finally replied. “I told him what I had done the same night. I would push Gabe in his stroller past the shop every day at 2:00 on Jack’s lunch break and we would talk. It was a slow time so nobody was ever really around to question it. Well the day I had the…abortion, I couldn’t walk past the shop. Jack was so worried something had happened to me that he drove to my house and started banging on the door. I got up from the couch, still bleeding heavily, to open the door. He took one look at me and he knew what I had done. Furious, he screamed that he had wanted me, he had wanted the baby. I had to grab his arm and pull him inside so the neighbors wouldn’t hear.”

  Maryanne rose out of the chair and walked over to the window behind Julie’s desk. Placing her hand on the glass, she stared out at the grassy area beyond the hospital parking lot. “He wouldn’t calm down. He went to my bedroom and took all my clothes out and started throwing them in a suitcase. He wanted me to run away with him and start over again. I knew at that moment he wouldn’t listen to reason and he needed to leave to cool down. I tried everything, but I knew Paul would be coming home soon, so I had to beg him to go. He did leave…” Maryanne’s eyes that had been welling up again, spilled over with tears. “He was driving so fast, he had an accident…” Maryanne turned from the window and faced Julie. “They said he was probably doing about 80 down Fulton Road, you know, where all the twists and turns are? Well, he smacked into the pole at the end. He cracked up the car pretty badly.”

  Julie was on the edge of her seat. She could not believe Maryanne had never told her this before. This had been a life altering point in Maryanne’s existence and Julie had been oblivious to it.

  “Was, he…” Julie started to say, unsure if she wanted to utter the word dead.

  Maryanne shook her head. “No, he wasn’t. Although he probably wished he was. He sustained a pretty brutal head injury. It was almost like a stroke. It affected his speech and also the right side of his body. He was hospitalized for five months, but as far as I know, he never regained strength in his right hand and couldn’t grasp objects. He couldn’t write or speak more than a few words, either.”

  Maryanne turned away, again. “I visited him a few times in the hospital, but he really couldn’t communicate with me. His mother was there 24/7, but he wouldn’t have been able to articulate anything comprehensible anyway. Eventually, he got out of the hospital and through rehab was able to walk and speak better, but…” Maryanne put her hand to her mouth and let out a soft gasp. “I’m sorry; I’ve never told anyone this story before. It’s a little painful for me to hear myself tell it,” she revealed, through her tears.

  Julie stood up wordlessly and embraced her friend. She held her as she sobbed. Julie could only begin to imagine how painful the experience had been for Maryanne, not only the fact that she had essentially lost someone she loved, but the guilt that had probably been eating away at her.

  Maryanne pulled away and reached for a tissue on Julie’s desk. Dabbing under her eyes at her runny mascara she reported, “God, I cannot believe how good that feels to finally get off my chest. I’ve been carrying around that secret for over thirty years.”

  Julie shook her head sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  Maryanne smiled weakly at Julie. “Oh, honey,” she replied, hugging Julie. “It just never seemed like the right time. I kept telling myself if I didn’t ever talk about it or speak the words out loud, it never happened, you know?”

  Julie nodded. She understood, having gone years without discussing the pain her mother’s death had caused her. She had felt if she shoved the hurt and the sadness down, it would eventually disappear. Unfortunately, she was discovering, the longer you repressed your hurt, the uglier it would be when it resurfaced. Here she was, over twenty years later and still not over Janice’s death and the subsequent discord with her father and brothers. She had been broken and never attempted to repair the damage. It was like a leaky pipe that someone kept duct taping. Eventually the tape wouldn’t hold anymore and the pipe would burst with disastrous effects. Like the pipe, it would have been more prudent to attempt to fix the damage earlier.

  “So,” Maryanne remarked, holding Julie at arm’s length, “Do you see how I can relate to what’s going on with you? I wouldn’t have disapproved of what you were doing because I had been cheated on, like you assumed. I would have told you my story and let you judge for yourself whether it was worth it or not, you see?” Julie nodded as Maryanne continued. “These things rarely end well, my dear. Someone always gets hurt, whether it be emotional pain or in Jack’s case, physical.”

  Julie sank back down into her chair. She could hear Maryanne’s desk phone ringing in the alcove just outside the door. Her computer screen was blinking with new emails. Life was going on outside the office, but for Julie inside the office, it had screeched to a halt. She had to permanently end things with Alex and they had to end today. She needed to repair the damage of this new leaky pipe before it burst. Yes, her marriage was flawed, but unlike Maryanne’s ex-husband, Josh truly loved and cared for her and she knew deep down, she felt the same. Alex was wrong. She had loved Josh, she did love Josh. They did have a loving relationship at one point, but somehow over the years, it had taken a backseat to everything else in their lives. Their relationship may have broken apart over the years, but Julie believed it could be fixed. Julie was determined to fix it. Today would be the start of a new chapter in their lives.

  She gave Maryanne one final hug. “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I must have been very difficult.”

  Maryanne smiled. “It was, but it was well worth it.” She rubbed Julie’s arm lovingly. “It was cathartic to me and I hope that it will help you make sense of the situation that you’re in right now.”

  “Yes,” Julie confirmed, kissing her on the cheek. “It definitely did. I know what I need to do now.”

  Maryanne took a look at herself in Julie’s wall mirror as she passed. “Oh that’s a sight,” she remarked.

  Julie dug through her desk drawer for her make up bag. She handed it to Maryanne wordlessly.

  Maryanne beamed appreciatively at her friend and took the bag. She spent the next few minutes in the bathroom, fixing herself up while Julie hastily answered some of her more pressing emails. When Maryanne emerged, freshened up, she handed Julie back her bag and left the room without a word. It was as if nothing had transpired between them at all. Julie knew better than to ever bring it up again. Maryanne had told her story and that was the end of it being discussed. It was over, just like she and Alex were over.

  Chapter 22

  Julie glanced at her watch. It was nearly 2:00 and she
hadn’t eaten lunch yet. She wondered if it was safe to run down to the cafeteria. The thought of bumping into Alex again today was more than she could handle. She needed to sit and formulate what exactly she was going to say to him before taking that chance. How was she going to end their relationship without hurting him? And how could she end it without letting him change her mind? He understood that he was irresistible to her. If he touched her or kissed her, she’d be a prisoner to his whims. She didn’t want to face him, afraid watching his dejected expression would cause her to abandon her resolve. On the other hand, ending the relationship over the phone or text was definitely cowardly.

  Unable to make her mind, Julie resolved to starve till dinner. Riffling through her drawer, she found a packet of stale saltines. Nibbling on them, she continued working until she was interrupted by a soft rapping on the office door. “Oh, no,” she groaned. Please don’t let that be Alex again. Getting up, she opened the door reluctantly. Instead, of Alex on the other side, she was pleasantly surprised to see Josh with a brown paper bag. He held it up as he walked in.

  “Got your favorite! Two Joe’s burgers and fries for you.” Julie closed the door behind him, but not before she caught Maryanne’s smiling face.

  “Wow, Josh, this is definitely a surprise. You’ve never brought me lunch before,” she mentioned, eying him suspiciously. “What’s the occasion?”

  Josh started to set the soggy bag down on Julie’s desk and then thought better of it. He disappeared into the bathroom and emerged with a handful of paper towels, which he laid on the desk. “What?” he asked innocently. “A guy can’t bring his wife lunch at work?”

  Julie opened the bag and began to pull the burgers out. “Oh yeah he can, but that guy isn’t you. What gives?”