All She Ever Wanted Page 11

  Julie stopped dead in her tracks. The wheels in her head were turning. ‘Wait just a second…’ her mind was screaming. Of all of Josh’s friends, none of them stayed home while their wife worked. Josh was the only one. It was one of the many things his buddies would good naturedly rib him about on a regular basis. He claimed they were jealous which was probably true on some level, but Julie sometimes thought it upset Josh, as if it made him less of a man to have his wife providing for him.

  Julie strained to hear Josh’s response, but all she could make it was the sound of someone “shushing” Dave loudly.

  “Dude,” reasoned Dave. “She’s never home. Plus, she can be a cold frigid bitch sometimes,” he added. Julie seethed. Dave was such an ass. She waited for Josh to defend her, but he remained quiet, obviously reluctant to incriminate himself.

  “Damn, I’d get a piece of that if I could,” chirped Frank. “My old lady is always around though. Not like she’s doing anything for me, but just ruining any fun I could be having.” The guys erupted into laughter.

  Julie didn’t want to even hear anymore. She closed the window and climbed up the stairs quietly. While Josh had not actually admitted to anything, the fact that they were discussing another woman concerned her. Julie sat on the edge of her bed, stunned. She would have never imagined Josh to be the type of guy to carry on an affair. He did show interest in beautiful women they would see or celebrities on TV, but he never really had the self-confidence to start a conversation with a woman who wasn’t already a friend of Julie’s or someone he knew. Who was this woman? Could it be a friend?

  Julie felt a stab of pain through her heart from thinking that a friend could possibly betray her; it must be someone she didn’t know. Hurt as she was, she almost hoped he did do it. It would certainly ease her conscience from what had been going on between her and Alex.

  Once again, her thoughts strayed back to Alex and their spontaneous rendezvous that afternoon. After pondering her situation with Alex for a few minutes, Julie retrieved her cell phone. She felt like she should reach out to him, make sure he was ok. They had parted on such strange terms earlier, Julie was not sure if they were “done” or he was just momentarily upset. She tapped the edge of her cell against her chin, not sure what to say if she called. Julie decided to send Alex a text. It would be too difficult for her to speak openly to him with the girls in the next room and Josh downstairs.

  Are you ok? You were upset when you left. I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you. Julie hesitated, scanning the text, and then hit send.

  She scrolled through the channels again as she awaited his response. “Nope, there’s still nothing on,” she mumbled. Minutes ticked away and Julie checked her phone half a dozen times, with no response from Alex. She anxiously started to fear that she had deeply offended him in some way and he was ignoring her message. In hopes of calming herself, she decided to run a relaxing bath. Grabbing her phone, she headed to the bathroom. After turning on the Jacuzzi tub, she checked the phone once again, to no avail. She closed the door between the bedroom and bathroom and stripped her sweats off. Sinking into the warm water, Julie tried to imagine she was on vacation, alone. Her thoughts were derailed by the low buzzing of her cell phone. Drying her hands on a nearby towel, she read the incoming text from Alex.

  Sorry, I fell asleep. Had some beers when I got home and was exhausted. Julie felt relief. He had not been ignoring her. His next message came in as she finished reading the first. It’s ok. I’m sorry I left like that. It is something that I don’t discuss since it upsets me.

  Julie responded quickly, I understand. I’m sorry I pushed the issue. I now know, mums the word.

  Alex’s next response came quickly. No, it’s not your fault. I think I can discuss it someday with you. Just not yet. It’s too fresh.

  Julie considered this before answering him. Alex had led her to believe that he had been divorced for several years. That didn’t seem “fresh” to Julie. It seemed like enough time to move on from a divorce or at least be able to discuss it openly with someone you’re dating. Had this subject never been brought up by anyone he had dated? Or had he not dated anyone since his divorce?

  As if he were reading her mind, Alex added, I haven’t been with a woman since my marriage ended.

  Julie was hit by a wave of nausea. If I was the first person that he had “dated” since his marriage had ended, why had he waited so long? If he had not been with anyone was he just anxious to be with a woman or was he so attracted to me that he could not help himself? Had he been saving himself for a more serious relationship rather than a “fling“?

  Julie certainly hoped that wasn’t the case. This was a casual affair, simply for pleasure and diversion. She didn’t want him to think that this could possibly become serious. She hoped it didn’t become serious. Julie reflected on how fast things had progressed in only a few weeks time and realized with dismay, This actually could turn into a relationship.

  When Julie had met Josh, they had been thrown together by unusual circumstances. Their relationship had developed rather quickly, with Josh having a needy dependence on Julie’s attention and Julie happy to be needed. In all her previous relationships, she had always progressed with caution. Her father and brothers had never really counseled her or given her any relationship advice other than leaving her with the feeling that most teenaged boys were looking for physical relationships and they were not to be trusted. Josh had been different from the start. He needed her emotionally rather than physically and Julie had not experienced the feeling of being needed since her mother had died. She enjoyed taking care of him, and their relationship, although not sexual for many months, had developed rather quickly. Her relationship with Alex had not been an emotional one, thus far. Today was the first day they had touched on any deep emotional issues in their lives and Alex had recoiled. Julie didn’t think she could handle a relationship with deep emotional connection. On the other hand, she had specifically stated to Alex that afternoon that she wouldn’t consider a sexual relationship with him unless she got to know him better.

  Damn it, Julie, she chastised herself. Make up your mind. Do you want him to open up to you or not? She felt utterly confused and conflicted as she constructed her response. Wow, she replied attempting humor. That’ll be some release when you finally have sex…LOL. She hit send and instantly regretted it. She hadn’t meant to make light of his situation and she feared he would take it the wrong way.

  Instead, he shot back, Believe me, I’ve been personally taking care of it regularly. Wink, wink.

  Julie breathed a sigh of relief. This was more like the Alex she knew, not the emotional wreck who had appeared earlier. She thought they could hopefully put the incident behind them. Still wanting to put the idea of Josh having an affair out of her mind, Julie continued to joke back and forth with Alex for the next hour. Her texts became much steamier than she had originally intended, but Alex continued to surpass her with replies that were even more risqué than hers. Julie was soon extremely turned on by the words that were transpiring between the two of them. Granted, there wasn’t any texting when she and Josh started dating, but Julie had no idea “sexting” could be so intense. Alex had a way with words that was unrivaled by any man she had known. She found him easy to talk with, despite the nature of the conversation.

  Julie felt so at ease writing to him that she lost track of time. The sound of the front door slamming told her that it was after midnight. Josh would be coming up to bed momentarily and she needed to end this conversation, as much as she didn’t want to.

  The hubby is coming upstairs soon. Gonna have to cut this short, Julie wrote.

  Are you going to think of me when he climbs on top of you tonight? Pretend he is me? ;), Alex asked.

  Julie paused. She had never thought of that. If she pretended she was with Alex when she was having sex with her husband, was that cheating on him? It certainly would help rid her of the horniness that had been building from talking to Alex all nig
ht. Josh would never even know and maybe she would be able to get her feelings for Alex out of her system by using her imagination. Julie seriously doubted that would happen, but hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? She decided to seduce her husband when he walked through the bedroom door. It would make his night and relieve her throbbing loins. Julie had always thought that was a made up phrase until tonight when she actually felt pulsating.

  She quickly replied, Wouldn’t you like to know, to Alex and added, Good night. I’ll talk to you in the morning, before deleting her messages.

  Wanting to make herself as desirable as possible to Josh, she rummaged through her underwear drawer, hunting for her sexiest lingerie. As she looked, she became conscious of the fact that she didn’t have much that would qualify as “sexy”. Julie had never been one to focus on her sexiness. Although she was pretty, she dressed professionally at work and on her days off she was practical. Khakis and polo shirts were her signature uniform at home and dress pants or knee length skirts and button down shirts were her typical work attire. Her underwear drawer was filled with neutral toned bras and bikini briefs.

  “Boring,” Julie remarked as she pulled articles out of the drawer and tossed them back in with disgust. Why didn’t I own anything that would be considered sexy? Why am I so damn sensible all the time? She was attractive and Josh always complimented her on her beautiful and fit figure that she worked so hard for. Why didn’t her clothes reflect that beauty?

  As Julie unearthed an old push up bra and a thong with the tag still attached, she vowed to change her lackluster wardrobe. She was young after all; why was she dressing like she was preparing for retirement in Florida?

  Julie could hear Josh taking the empty bottles outside to the recyclables. All the guys must be gone by now, she thought, scrambling to get her sexy attire on. Any minute Josh would walk through the door and he’d be “wowed”. She just hoped that he wouldn’t claim to be too tired. One night she actually wanted him and it would be her luck that he would not have interest.

  Julie arranged herself seductively among their bed pillows. She was propped up so he would see her overflowing cleavage the moment he opened the door. Seconds later, she could hear him softly ascending the stairs, being careful not to make too much noise to wake her or the girls. Julie chuckled to herself, knowing he didn’t have a clue what was awaiting him. Josh opened the bedroom door, startled that the light was on. He saw Julie on the bed and his jaw dropped, clearly not expecting her to be awake, nor in her underwear, splayed across the bed.

  “Julie, I didn’t think you were still up,” Josh squeaked. Julie smiled coyly at him, enjoying her role of seductress.

  “Why don’t you come over here and we can find out if you’re still up,” she purred.

  Josh happily sat down next to his wife, thrilled at the rare invitation. Julie put one hand on her husband’s lap and could clearly see that he was indeed aroused.

  “My, that must be uncomfortable,” Julie remarked licking her lips, “Why don’t you take these pants off and let me take care of that problem for you?” Josh quickly jumped off the bed and complied. Julie then yanked him back towards her, pulling his shirt over his head. Josh, mystified at what had come over his wife, simply stood next to the bed and let Julie finish undressing him.

  “Turn out the light, Josh,” Julie commanded. Josh rushed to follow his orders like a puppy eager to please his master. Julie then pulled him back down on the bed and climbed on top of her husband, straddling his waist. Immediately, she was reminded of the night before, straddling Alex in the bathroom. As Josh touched her and expertly slid off her thong, she imagined his hands to be Alex’s and that the lips that were kissing her skin belonged to Alex. Josh completely morphed into Alex as they passionately kissed.

  When they were finished, Julie rolled off of him and switched on the lamp, snapping her back into reality as well. Josh lay on his pillow with hands behind his head, goofy grin on his satisfied face. Julie immediately felt guilty for using him to fulfill her fantasies. She reached for her previously discarded clothes on her hamper and turned off the light. Dressing in the dark, she could hear Josh’s contented breathing, causing more pangs of guilt to rip through her heart.

  “That was nice,” Josh murmured as she climbed back into bed. He sidled up against her back and put an arm around her. Julie groaned inwardly, hoping he fell asleep soon. She didn’t want to cuddle. What she wanted was to go to sleep and not dwell on what had just transpired in her head.

  Fortunately, Josh seemed to have the same idea since she could feel his heavy sleep induced breath on her neck. Julie slid his arm off of her and scooted over toward the edge of the bed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him to touch her; in the moments prior when they had been intertwined, she had not minded that she was envisioning herself with another man. After the fact, however, it tormented her mind and she wanted to be as far away from him as possible in order to ease the feeling of remorse.

  Julie tossed and turned for nearly an hour before she realized she wasn’t going to fall asleep. It was after 1 am and she needed restful sleep before work in the morning. Sighing, Julie hauled her tired body out of bed and into the master bath. Opening up the medicine cabinet, she located the brown bottle that held sleeping pills. She held the bottle in her hand, turning it absentmindedly. Julie loathed medication. After years of watching people become dependent on prescription drugs, she always hesitated to take any medication. Granted, one pill was not enough to make someone an addict, but addictions had to start somewhere.

  Reluctantly, she opened the cap and spilled the pills out into her hand. Popping one in her mouth and the rest back into the bottle, she closed the lid and replaced the bottle in the medicine cabinet. After she realized there were no cups in the bathroom for water to swallow the pill, she ran the tap and scooped water from her hand to her mouth.

  Great, she thought, I’m a total dog tonight. First I’m fantasizing about another man while I’m in bed with my husband, now I’m lapping up water like one. Disgusted, with herself, Julie trudged back to bed, praying for sleep to overtake her soon.

  Chapter 15

  Julie awoke the next morning groggy from a drug induced sleep. Cursing herself, she climbed out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. This was one of the many reasons why she didn’t like medications.

  Splashing water on her face, she stared at herself in the mirror. She didn’t feel any better than she had when she had gone to bed. Sleep had not clarified her dilemma. She needed her run to clear her head. Creeping into the bedroom, she gathered her running clothes and went back into the bathroom to dress. As she stood half naked in the bathroom, she caught a glimpse of herself in the full length mirror behind the door.

  Not bad, she mused. She was in top notch shape and her body definitely looked younger than her 36 years. Her eyes traveled up her body until she saw her face looking back at her. There were frown lines around her mouth and deep grooves in her forehead from thinking too hard. She had dark circles under her eyes that took a ton of concealer every morning to cover. Her face was where all the aging had gone. The long hours, the stress and the lack of any social life her job had caused her. It had taken a toll on her face.

  Julie finished getting dressed and descended the stairs to the living room. Stretching as minimally as possible, she headed out the front door by 5:20 and on to the neighborhood streets. Starting off with a slow jog, she began reliving the events of the previous day in her mind. As the day progressed in her head, Julie’s speed intensified, until she was running at a sprinting pace. Panting and out of breath, her body comprehended how fast she was going and was begging her to slow down. Julie didn’t listen; she didn’t care. It felt good to hurt. All her emotions rushed to the surface and Julie found tears streaming down her face. She didn’t wipe them away. Instead, she let her tears flow, with all her pent up anger, disappointment and hurt, streaming from her.

  When she could no longer stand running at such a brisk pace any longer, she
slowed to a jog. Breathing in the morning air, Julie began to sob like she had not done since the death of her mother. She realized at that moment, she had never cried in all the years following her mother’s death. She had not cried at her wedding or at the birth of her daughters. She had become a detached, undemonstrative person since she had lost her mother physically and then her father emotionally. She subconsciously repressed her feelings until all the events in her life had led her to this. It was like a recipe for a nervous breakdown. Stressed out from her job, fighting with her husband, finding out he was considering cheating on her and having a gorgeous man interested in her. They all met here, at this moment, in the eye of the perfect storm.

  Julie became cognizant of the fact that she needed to stop crying before she reached home. She tried to slow her breathing, but her tears caught in her throat and she ended up choking on them. As she coughed and wiped the tears from her eyes, she caught her reflection in a store window.

  “Well you are a hot mess, Julie,” she remarked out loud. This caused a slight chuckle that turned once more to a sob. She had everything she could ever dream of. How could she be so unhappy, so ungrateful for what she had? Why was it not what she hoped for? Where had she gone wrong? Why was she at this crossroads in her life where she was willing to throw away what she had for some excitement?

  Julie gasped audibly, an unsettling thought occurring to her. “What if this is a midlife crisis?” The idea shocked her so greatly that she halted completely.

  The phrase “midlife crisis” has always brought to mind a fat, balding 50 year old man driving a bright red convertible. She never imagined herself, young and in the prime of her life to fit the bill. She didn’t think in million years she would ever resort to crazy, spontaneous behavior, but her actions over the last few weeks had been in fact nothing short of lunacy.