All She Ever Wanted Page 22

  “That’s probably a good idea. We need to figure out what we’re going to do,” she whispered.

  The gravel crunched beneath Josh’s feet as Julie followed, carefully balancing herself in her heels. She unlocked her SUV with her key fob as Josh grabbed the handle to the passenger side. As she opened her door, she was startled to find Josh sitting in the passenger seat.

  “What about your car?” she asked, buckling up.

  Josh shrugged as he replied, “You’re going to have to drive me to it. After I saw you turn in here, I didn’t want to pull in right behind you. I parked up the road a bit and ran back here.”

  Julie stared at her husband, jaw hanging open. Josh stared back.

  “What?” he asked, throwing his hands up in the air.

  “Um, I’m just shocked that’s all. You consider the walk to the mailbox taxing,” Julie observed.

  Josh snapped back, “I’m a little tired from beating up your little boyfriend right now. Otherwise I would jog right back to the car myself.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” Julie interjected with a frown.

  “Oh, excuse me,” Josh replied sarcastically, “Your ex, then.” He rested his chin on his hand and turned his gaze to the scenery outside his window.

  Julie shifted the car into reverse, and then thought better of it. Stopping the car, she turned to Josh. “I understand you are hurt. I know that. I cannot begin to apologize for the pain that I’ve caused you.”

  Josh snickered with disgust. “You think?” he retorted.

  Julie sighed and put her hand on his knee. “Everything happens for a reason, Josh. You defended me out there,” she pointed at the lot as she spoke, “I’ve never seen that side of you. You must want this to work deep down or you wouldn’t have come here. If you didn’t care about me, or your ego or our family or something, you would have walked away or stayed with…” her voice cracked as she tried to pronounce Lori’s name, but no words would come. Julie roughly wiped away the tears forming at the corner of her eyes before they could fall. She swallowed hard. “You hurt me, too. You evened the score.”

  Dropping his head into his hands, Josh admonished her. “It’s not a baseball game, Julie. Nobody wins. We both lose. Tying up the score just makes the game drag on when it should be over to begin with.”

  Now Julie couldn’t stop the tears from trickling down. They flowed like a fountain as she covered her mouth with a trembling hand. Josh reclined in the seat and stared at the ceiling of the car as he spoke. “We should do ourselves a favor and get the hell away from each other before we make this worse.”

  Julie turned her attention to the trees in the picnic grove, biting her fist to prevent herself from sobbing. She knew she wouldn’t be able to form a coherent sentence at the moment, so she did the only thing her scrambled brain could think of. Opening the door, she jumped out of the SUV, running toward the trees. She didn’t close the door and as she ran she could hear the dinging noise the car would make if the door was left open. Other than the crunching of the gravel underneath her feet, it was the only noise she heard. No Josh calling after her. No Josh coming after her. He was going to just let her go like that. So she ran, as fast as one could run in heels. If he wanted her away from him, away she would go.

  Julie stumbled through the trees until she reached a clearing which opened out to the road. She could see Josh’s little blue four door sedan parked about 100 yards from the clearing.

  Pausing for breath, Julie sank to the ground, ripping her pantyhose. She covered her face with her hands and let her tears flow freely. Two month ago, she had led a charmed life. She had a husband who loved her more than anything in the world and metaphorically, she spit in his face. Never grasping how good she had it, she threw it away. And now, it was too late. Josh didn’t want her anymore. Not only was she was damaged goods to him, she had ripped his heart out and stomped on it. In reality, she didn’t deserve his love or his forgiveness. This was her punishment for her immoral behavior. Her marriage was ruined, her career was never going to be the same again and her daughters would never respect her. Julie had thrown it away for a fleeting moment of bliss. What she had not realized was she had held the key for happiness all along. She had only needed to open the door and really see her life from the outside.

  Julie grabbed her knees and pulled them to her chest. Sitting on the side of the road with cars whizzing by at 40 miles an hour, she rocked herself into a trance.

  *******************************************

  Darkness had fallen, when she felt a hand touch her shoulder. Startled, she jumped up, ready to defend herself against an assailant. Instead, she came face to face with her husband. He grabbed her, wrapping his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. She could feel his wet cheeks against the top of her head. Embracing him gratefully, she buried her face in his shirt. She could smell his aftershave, a scent she had not noticed earlier, but now it smelled like home to her.

  Julie had no idea how long they stood, arms around each other, gently rocking next to Josh’s car. Josh finally spoke as he still held her tight. “I didn’t even the score, Julie. I’d rather lose the game than lose you forever.” Julie pulled back and looked up at him.

  “You didn’t…” she started to ask. Josh simply shook his head.

  “No,” he replied. “She’s a good friend to listen to me, advise me, but Julie you’re my soul mate. I couldn’t go through with it. I wouldn’t want to. I don’t want any other woman but you.”

  Shocked, Julie began to sob harder, tears falling and nose running. She rubbed her face in Josh’s shirt, but he didn’t seem to care as he squeezed her.

  “I know,” Julie sobbed, muffled by the fabric. “I know that now. I’m so sorry I didn’t know that before,”

  “I’m not saying that I’m letting you off the hook or I understand completely. This is going to be a very long road ahead of us. It’s going to take a lot of work. Work we weren’t willing to put into it before. There’s going to have to be a lot changes in our lives. But maybe, like you said, everything happens for a reason.” Julie tilted her head upward to look at him. He shrugged hopefully.

  “We may need to go to some sort of counseling,” Josh continued. “So that we can figure out where we went wrong and not repeat those mistakes again. But I’m willing to do whatever I can do to get you back, Julie. I love you more than anything in the world.” Josh wrapped his arms around his wife tighter.

  “Josh, I love you, too. So much,” Julie announced. Squeezing him, she concurred with his statement. “I agree that we need to make changes. Starting with my job and the time I spend away from our family. I don’t think I appreciated our life, what we had,” Julie continued to say. “I just kept thinking that I was missing something, a piece of the puzzle that would make me instantly happy. It started off with a little bit more money, a bigger house, more prestigious job. I lost sight of what I was looking for.” She ran her hand through Josh’s thinning hair. “I had the pieces; I was just fitting them in the puzzle the wrong way.”

  Josh took Julie by the hand and led her to his car. “Let’s go home and fix this puzzle…together.”

  3 Years Later

  “Come on, Josh! We’re going to be late!” Julie called, poking her head into the bathroom. Through the steam she could see him standing motionless in the shower. She rapped on the glass shower door, arousing him from his short nap.

  “Hey, hey, I’m the one who worked a double without any sleep so just wake your well rested ass up and get a move on,” she joked, opening the shower door and planting a kiss on his lips.

  Josh rubbed his sleepy eyes and turned the water off. “Do you know how many times your son woke me up last night?”

  Julie turned to the mirror and shrugged. “He’s almost two, why is he waking up in the middle of the night at all?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. First he wanted another good night kiss, then a glass of water then he wanted his sisters and then another good night kiss…” Josh g
rinned as he stepped out pf the shower. “The kid is killing me I tell you.”

  Julie laughed. “Oh, yeah I noticed. You’re falling apart.” She poked at his well-toned abs as she planted another kiss on his cheek. “Come on, hurry up, though. I don’t want to miss the party.” She exited the bathroom with her gown flowing behind her.

  She walked into the girls’ room where they were helping little Josh get dressed into his tiny suit. The girls looked so grown up in their knee length dresses. They were kneeling on the floor, adjusting their little brother’s collar and pants as he tried to fight them off. It was no use though; they always doted on him and weren’t letting him out of their clutches.

  Julie watched the scene from the hallway. “Ready guys?” she called. The kids all turned at once to her. Kaylee stood up, smoothing her dress.

  “Yup! I can’t wait,” she replied excitedly. “I hope I catch the bouquet!”

  Julie could see Molly roll her eyes. “Oh, please, you’re NINE,” she muttered. “What do you think? Prince Charming is going to marry you and take you to your fairy princess castle in the sky?”

  Kaylee punched her sister’s arm and made a face.

  “Hey!” Molly yelled. Julie, hoping to avoid getting in the middle, swooped down and grabbed her youngest child and whisked him out of the room before a fight could erupt.

  “Let’s go my loves, to the car,” she ordered cheerfully. Still carrying the baby, Julie crossed the living room of their Ranch style house and opened the front door. “Josh!” she called to her husband, who was still rummaging around in the bedroom two doors down. “I’m getting the kids in the car.”

  Josh poked his head out of the bedroom while tying his tie. “Ok, ok,” he grumbled. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Why is Daddy always the last to be ready?” Molly inquired while helping her brother into the minivan.

  “I have no idea,” Julie replied hiking up her gown as she climbed into the passenger seat. Reaching into her purse, Julie extracted her makeup bag. Lowering the visor and mirror, she quickly plucked her eyebrows.

  “He’s worse than a girl,” Kaylee giggled.

  Julie sighed, “Yes, he sure is. But if he makes me late to my best friend’s wedding, I will beat him.” At that moment, the driver’s side door opened and Josh climbed in, grinning apologetically.

  “Sorry,” he winced as he glanced around the car at his girls.

  “Just drive,” Julie ordered. “The wedding starts in fifteen minutes and the hall is at least twenty minutes away.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Josh responded, backing the car out of the driveway and pulling into their street.

  They had moved to this house well over two years ago when Julie quit her job as director of nursing and went to work in the ER at a rival hospital. The pay was peanuts compared to what she had been making a Huntington West, but she actually loved the job. With Julie working only on Friday and Saturday nights, Josh was able to return to his job as a paramedic Monday through Friday day shifts. They took turns caring for the kids since both were home at different times. It was sometimes rough not seeing each other much during the week, but Sunday was always family day, no exceptions.

  Josh had even started taking classes to complete his degree. He decided that he would not finish his pre-med course of study; rather, he was going to nursing school. For once, he was finishing what he started and Julie couldn’t be more proud.

  Soon after quitting her job, Julie found out surprisingly that she was pregnant. She had such difficulty conceiving the twins that she never expected to be able to get pregnant naturally. Along came their little surprise, the son Josh had always wanted. He completed their family. They may not be well off, but for once, Julie could truly say they were content.

  Josh pulled the minivan into the driveway of Shadow Woods Estate. It was a restored Victorian era home, turned into a banquet hall. The grounds were meticulously kept by teams of gardeners and boasted several hundreds of varieties of flowers, trees and shrubs. There was a large enclosed gazebo to the side of the estate that overlooked the lake with mountains as a backdrop. It was a gorgeous setting, perfect for a Sunday evening wedding in June.

  Julie gathered the children out of the van and took little Josh’s hand firmly. Together, they climbed the steps to the front of the estate where they were met by the maitre’d directing the wedding guest to the patio located on the gazebo.

  The family entered the massive gazebo to the sights of flowers trailing from the chandeliers and soft lights twinkling in the setting sun. The view of the mountains and lake was magnificent, but not nearly as breathtaking as the sight that was coming down the aisle.

  The bride wore an ankle length form fitting gown with a lace overlay. Her hair was swept up in a loose chignon and she clutched a bouquet of lilies as she was escorted down the aisle to her waiting groom. Even at 59 years old, Maryanne was stunning. Julie’s breath caught in her throat as the bride approached the end of the aisle to where the pastor was waiting to join her with her groom.

  Jack sat in his wheelchair, face lit up by the sight of such beauty. He had been tinkering on the internet one day when he came across Maryanne’s Facebook profile. She was shocked when she received his friend request; nervous, in fact. After prodding from Julie, she accepted and they instantly reconnected after almost 30 years apart.

  Jack had, after years of grueling therapy, regained strength in his hands and was much more verbal than the doctors had ever expected. However, he never recovered the use of his right leg and often needed the wheelchair after standing for long periods of time or walking further than a few feet at a time. Never married, he lived on his own in the back of his father’s shop. He took over the financial aspect of the shop and spent his free time researching auto safety. After many years, he ended up designing car safety features that were eventually used by major vehicle manufacturing companies. His inventions won him prestige and also made him a millionaire.

  He and Maryanne had gone on many “handicapped accessible” adventures before he brought her back to the beach where they had gone on her 22nd birthday. Although he did not get down on one knee, he proposed there in the sand at the same place he had confessed his love over 30 years prior. Maryanne had accepted without hesitation.

  Now here they were, about to be united, with all their friends and family as witnesses. As Maryanne joined Jack and the pastor at the front of the aisle, she turned to Julie, beaming, and handed her the overflowing bouquet. Julie accepted the bouquet and kissed her best friend on the cheek. She glanced over at her family sitting in the front row. Her two gorgeous daughters who were riveted by the beauty of the ceremony. Her squirming, but still adorable toddler son. And her wonderful, forgiving husband who had made this peaceful and content life possible. His love had known no bounds for her and she owed him her complete and utter devotion and thanks. Without him, none of her life would be possible…

  Julie bolted upright in bed, panting heavily. Searching the bedroom with her eyes, she tried to adjust to the darkness. Her pulse quickened and she began to sweat in fear. She patted the empty king sized bed next to her and the realization completely hit her. Julie clutched the comforter in her hands and while biting on it, stifled a scream.

  The dream had come to haunt her, yet again. It was always such a perfect dream, her world coming together in synchrony, everyone happily gathered at Maryanne’s “wedding”. The dream never varied, not even down to the details of the flowers. It was always identical and it always ended at the same point. The point where she recognized that Josh had been the center of her world and with her center gone, her world had imploded.

  Reaching for her notepad on her bedside table, Julie hastily scribbled the date and time, followed by the words, “the wedding dream”. She would bring the full notepad to her weekly therapy session with Dr. Marilyn, her psychiatrist. Together, they would probe through the dream, dissecting it as they usually did, to discover its meaning. It had been haunting Julie endlessly
for nearly fourteen months. Dr. Marilyn believed that Julie’s dream was a manifestation of her guilty conscience over Josh’s tragic ending. By creating this perfect family at the perfect wedding, Julie was trying to ease her guilt.

  “And I pay her $150 an hour to tell me this?” Julie muttered. She wanted Dr. Marilyn to stop analyzing her and just tell her how the hell to get rid of this haunting nightmare.

  Swinging her legs over the side of her lonely bed, Julie got up and padded into the bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet and retrieved her bottle of valium. Downing a pill, she grabbed a second for good measure. Her hands shook as she poured herself a glass of tap water and swallowed.

  The girls were at a sleepover, so the house was totally silent on this Saturday night. Entering the kitchen, Julie opened the fridge with gusto and inspected the bottles of wine on the shelf in front of her. Finding nothing that suited her mood, she miserably slammed the door closed and opened the cabinet above the fridge, retrieving a bottle of whiskey. She also grabbed a small glass from the cabinet, then reconsidered and took a large 14 oz glass. Generously pouring the alcohol into the glass, she thought about adding ice, but then nixed that idea.

  Julie slid open the door to the patio off the kitchen and plopped down on the small lounge chair with her drink in hand. September was a chilly month in Oregon and on this particular night the temperatures had dropped into the 30s.

  Shivering, Julie retreated back into the house to grab a blanket. Passing the open whisky bottle on her way back to the porch, she seized it. Somehow she had the feeling one glass wasn’t going to be quite enough to quell her anxiety tonight.

  Sitting back down in the chair, Julie wrapped the large blanket around her body and sipped her drink. She gazed at the still night sky. Not a single star was visible, not a sound could be heard. It was 2 am and she was alone. Alone in this house, alone in this world. Once upon a time, she had the world in the palm of her hand and she had thrown it away.