All She Ever Wanted Page 14

  Alex jumped up. “Wrong! You love Josh but you’re not in love with Josh. You love him because you care about him and you have a house and children together, but Julie, I don’t think you’re in love with Josh. There’s a difference you know. And you can love several people at the same time.”

  Julie contemplated his words. It might be true. One could certainly love many people in their lifetime, even at the same time. I loved Josh; I loved my kids, could I love Alex, too?

  “Well,” Julie murmured, “I can see your point…” She paused before continuing more audibly. “But why would you assume I’m not in love with Josh? Of course I’m in love with him! Why would I have married him if I wasn’t in love with him?”

  Alex shrugged. “Maybe you were then and you fell out of love with him. Or maybe you never were, but you didn’t know what falling in love was because you never had it. Maybe,” Alex remarked as he sat back down on the bed, “Josh offered you something that you were looking for at the time and you thought it was love. Perhaps, Julie, you don’t know what love is.”

  Alex’s words hit Julie like a ton of bricks. After Janice had died, Julie had distanced herself from a lot people. Her father, her brothers, the few friends she had. Although she had friends in high school, they were more of casual acquaintances rather than good friends. Keeping most people at arm’s length, even in college, she always feared that if she got close to someone, she could lose them, too. She never wanted to need someone because she was so fearful of being disappointed or rejected. Even though Janice had obviously not chosen to die, she had abandoned Julie and the sting of it stayed with her.

  She hadn’t “needed” Josh. He had needed her. She had eagerly jumped back into the caregiver role, but this time, the ball was in her court. She was free to reject him, not the other way around. Julie felt like she couldn’t get hurt if she was in charge and as she thought back on it now, that’s how their relationship had been for the most part. Julie was in charge and in control.

  Julie covered her mouth with her hand, feeling nauseous. Was her whole marriage a sham? Had she never been in love with Josh? Their relationship had been an easy one in the beginning, but as time went on and more burdens were added to their daily lives like jobs and maintaining a home and the kids, their easy relationship got harder. She assumed it was a normal part of life. Relationships take work, and with all that extra stuff on their plates, they didn’t have time for working on it. However, Julie had never questioned their love until this very moment.

  Could what I have with Alex be the real thing and what I have with Josh just be a comfortable friendship? she wondered, watching Alex get dressed. Alex certainly made her feel more emotional and passionate than she could ever remember with Josh. He always seemed to know what the right thing to say to her at all the right times. Like now, for instance. She had been perfectly willing to dismiss their relationship as a fling or passing affair, but he had opened her eyes to other possibilities. What if it was something more? Didn’t she owe it to them to find out? Maybe she had never truly been happy and Alex was her yellow brick road to happiness. And maybe, all she needed to do was follow him.

  Alex finished dressing and turned to Julie. “Ready to go?” he asked. Julie had been staring at him absent mindedly and took a second to register his question.

  “Oh, yeah,” she replied, standing up. “Let’s go.”

  Chapter 18

  The drive back to Julie’s car was a quiet one with neither of them speaking much. Alex reached for her hand, rubbing it as it rested on the middle console. Julie barely felt it, too engrossed in her own thoughts.

  The parking space next to Julie’s car was empty, so Alex pulled into it. He cut the engine and put his hands on the top of the steering wheel. “I guess I hit a nerve back there, then?” he remarked, turning to Julie.

  Julie sighed. Her mind was in a state of confusion. She didn’t know how she felt about anyone at the moment, so she told Alex as much.

  “Maybe. I never thought of some of the things you brought up so I’m not really sure how I feel about anyone right now. I think I really need to go home and think things over.” She grabbed the door handle to open the car door and Alex reached for her other arm.

  “Just, please don’t hurt me, ok?” he pleaded, voice wavering. Julie looked back over her shoulder at him.

  “Alex, no matter what, I’m not trying to hurt you. This is a very difficult situation for me. I’m in a marriage, you’re not. You don’t understand how painful this will be for me either way.”

  Alex’s face darkened as he responded, “I understand pain.”

  Julie closed the car door and faced him. “I know you do Alex, but this is different. Whatever I do will hurt somebody. I can’t just leave Josh and I certainly don’t want to hurt you either,” she replied gently.

  Alex turned and stared out his window as he spoke. “I’ve been left before. I don’t want to be left again. I don’t think I can take it a second time.”

  A thought suddenly occurred to Julie. “Alex? Did your wife leave you for another man?”

  Alex snorted as he laughed sarcastically. “Ha! Not exactly,” he retorted, turning to her again. His expression change to a serious one. “Julie, I haven’t been completely honest about why my marriage ended. It’s a little more tragic than I led you to believe.”

  Scenarios shot through Julie’s mind. What had happened? Did she go to jail? Did she leave him for a woman?

  Alex took a deep breath. “Samantha and I are not divorced.”

  Julie sat up off her seat and stared at him. “Are you in the process of getting divorced?” she asked harshly.

  Alex sighed. “No,” he replied, “There’s no need for a divorce. Samantha died three years ago. Three years ago in February, actually.”

  Julie gasped and gawked at Alex, unable to speak. She couldn’t believe how mistaken she had been. The thought that his wife was dead had never even occurred to her. She had just assumed he was divorced when he spoke of his marriage ending. Thinking back, he had never actually used the words divorced.

  How stupid of me! She chastised herself silently. The poor man has been heartbroken and devastated and all you can think about is how you have to choose between two great men? She reached out to hug him, unsure what to say.

  Alex allowed Julie to embrace him, but he didn’t put his arms around her. Releasing her grip, she looked at him. He had that far off look in his eyes again. Now Julie understood what it meant. He was probably reminiscing about his deceased wife.

  “Alex,” Julie said, taking his face in her hands, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I just assumed you were divorced. I realize that was pretty insensitive of me.”

  Alex gazed at her as if he had no idea who she was. He blinked suddenly and seemed to come back to reality. “Yeah, I didn’t want to explain until I knew you better. People automatically start feeling sorry for you when you tell them your wife died,” he paused as he wiped a forming tear away from his eye. “I found it just easier to tell people my marriage ended and let them make their own assumption. It’s easier than explaining what happened. Most people just assume that I’m divorced. And people tend not to probe you about details of a divorce.”

  Julie reclined back in the seat again, guilty of making that assumption also. Now she appreciated the reason it had taken him so long to trust a relationship. He was a broken man and he needed to be repaired emotionally before he could begin any relationship. The reason for their immediate connection was now also apparent. Julie was also broken and had difficulty trusting relationships. She nodded her head with understanding as he continued.

  “That’s why you’re so important to me, Julie. You’ve helped me finally move on. I’ve had a lot of trouble coping with her death. For the first time, I actually feel like I may be alive again. I feel like I might have something worth living for.”

  Julie suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over her. Alex not only professed his love for her that afternoon, he was now clai
ming she was the reason he was able to move on after three years of mourning his wife’s death. How could she possibly think of ending their affair? It would devastate him.

  Starting to feel the noose of the situation tighten around her neck, Julie became aware of sweat pooling in the middle of her bra. She wasn’t normally a sweaty person, but when she got nervous, the first place she broke out into a sweat was always her chest. Her palms would soon follow. Feeling both hot and cold at once, she gasped quietly for air as if she was being suffocated. She needed to get out of the car.

  “Alex,” she stammered with her hand once again gripping the door handle. “I’ve got to get home. I will text you or call you later. Ok?” She opened the door and jumped out, without waiting for his reply. He stared after her, mouth open as she slammed the door and got into her own car.

  With her cold and clammy hands, Julie fumbled to put the key in the ignition. She drove off without once looking back at Alex, desperately needing to remove herself from the situation. Julie felt trapped. She cared so much for Alex and didn’t want to lose him, or worse, devastate him. But she could not imagine her life without Josh. The idea of leaving him and starting over petrified her.

  Speeding toward home, she realized that she had forgotten all about Alex’s accusations that Josh had a woman at the house that morning.

  “Was that really just this morning?” she wondered out loud. It was unbelievable how much had occurred in the short 12 hours since she had woken up. She started off the day with the intention of changing her look and ended up cheating on her husband, finding out her lover’s wife was dead and learning her husband was cheating on her. It was too much for her process in one day. She just wanted to hit the do-over button and start the day anew, going to work as planned and none of this would ever have happened.

  Right now though, she would have to go home and face the music. Josh would know immediately something was up. She had a very hard time lying to his face. Julie did not think she would be able to get through the evening without cracking. This lie was just too big to cover.

  Julie pulled up to the house and empty driveway. Her stomach lurched as she panicked, “He already knows and he took the kids.” She scrambled to get out of the car as soon as she parked, gathering up her bags out of the trunk and dropping them several times. Her still sweaty hands struggled with the lock in the front door and again with the security alarm code, her mind drawing a blank as to what the code was. She rarely came home to an empty house so she generally did not enter the code.

  “Think Julie, think!” she shouted as the blinking light counted down the time she had to enter the code. The last thing she needed was the cops showing up to top off her day. Finally, with a second to spare, she remembered the code was the anniversary of their first date. She hit the buttons and calmed the blinking light. Sighing, she leaned against the wall and dropped her packages. She blinked her eyes to adjust to the brightness of the front hall, bathed in the late afternoon sun.

  “Ok, stop standing around and find out where they’ve gone,” Julie instructed herself. She first raced up the stairs to the girls’ bedroom and began rummaging through their drawers and closets. Nothing appeared missing, including their overnight bags. Julie sighed with relief. Josh must have taken them out. But why had he not let me know, as not to worry me?

  She plodded back down the stairs and found her purse strewn in front of the door with her packages. Fumbling around inside, she located her cell phone. Sure enough it was blinking with two missed calls and a missed text from Josh.

  She dialed her voice mail and heard Josh’s chipper voice on the other end. “Hey, babe, just wanted to let you know after I picked up the girls from camp, we were invited to the new neighbor’s down the block for dinner tonight. You’re welcome to join us. It’s the blue and white Victorian on the corner.”

  Julie deleted the message. See, you got worried for nothing. She started back up the steps with her packages as a second message began to play in her ear. This time, it was not Josh, but Alex.

  “Julie, you left so abruptly, I wasn’t sure if you were ok. Please call me back,” his message pleadingly implored. She stopped frozen on the stairs as he continued, “I didn’t mean to scare you off but I can’t help it. I’m in love with you and I want to be with you. I don’t think I can live without you. I don’t want to live without you.” Julie slumped onto the step she was standing on, staring at the cell phone in her hand.

  Oh God, was her first thought, He’s going to kill himself.

  Julie sat on the step, for what seemed like hours, unsure what to do. Should she call Alex back and risk a long passionate conversation that she just didn’t have energy for after this already overly emotional day? Or ignore his call and risk that Alex harms himself? She didn’t really think that he would, but how well did she really know him? Enough to make a judgment about his mental state and whether he was a suicide risk? The man was finally getting over the untimely loss of his wife and the first woman that he falls for stomps on his heart? Julie was pretty sure she couldn’t live with that on her conscience.

  She stood up and went to the bedroom, dropping her purchases on the bed. Intending send a text to Josh saying she had just gotten home and had a killer headache, Julie pressed the text icon on her phone. Opening her inbox she saw the text that she missed. It was a picture from Josh of the girls swimming. While that would not normally be something to upset Julie, she noticed their swimmies were missing. Josh had sent her a picture of the girls swimming for the first time without help. They were growing up so fast. Every day they seemed to learn something new. Last week Kaylee read a book to Josh and two weeks ago Molly rode her bike without training wheels.

  Tears began rolling down her cheeks and she was powerless to stop them. While she was out screwing around behind their father’s back, the girls were growing up and she was missing it.

  At that moment, Julie didn’t care what Alex did. She needed to be with her family. She hastily changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top and began a message to Josh. Be there in 5. She then messaged Alex. Sorry, I can’t talk now. We’ll talk in the morning. Praying that the situation could wait till the morning to discuss, she silenced her phone and tucked it in her underwear drawer. She was leaving it home, refusing to be distracted by Alex any longer today. He had already distracted her more than she should have been.

  Julie went into the bathroom to splash water on her face and then left the bedroom, resisting the urge to check her phone for a response from Alex.

  No, she reminded herself firmly. You are done with him today. Worry about him tomorrow. He is not your problem. He is a big boy and he knew what he was getting into. Julie also thought, He wasn’t deceived by the situation as you were.

  Locking up, Julie remembered the security code that had eluded her 15 minutes prior. She decided to walk over to the Victorian on the corner of their block.

  Chapter 19

  A friendly, elderly couple had lived in the blue Victorian when Josh and Julie brought their house seven years ago. Slowly, dementia had set into the wife and the husband’s multitude of physical ailments had rendered him unable to care for her. Their four children all lived within fifty miles and although they continuously assisted with the care of their mother, they all had their own growing children and it became a stressful burden. The oldest son, who was quite wealthy, added on a wing to his already grand estate and moved his parents into it along with a live in nurse. The home went up for sale earlier that winter and sold rather quickly to a young family from Texas. Josh had mentioned that they had a six year old daughter who was in the twins’ class at school. They had been thrilled because although they had a lot of friends at school, none lived on their block. Julie, the work-a-holic, had yet to meet the family.

  As Julie started up the neighbor’s front walk, she glanced up and saw a woman in the front window standing next to Josh. The woman had shoulder length blonde hair and a slinky sundress on. An arm was looped through Josh’s an
d she appeared to be laughing while Josh was speaking. Julie immediately recognized her as the woman Josh had been talking to at the coffee shop several weeks ago. Julie’s blood ran cold.

  Was this the mystery woman that Josh was having an affair with? Alex had said she was blonde and similar build and complexion to Julie and this woman standing in the window with her hand on Josh’s fit that description. Fantastic. The emotional roller coaster she had been riding all day wasn’t screeching to a halt just yet. She was going to have to sit and face the woman who was fooling around with her husband?

  Could this be any more stressful? Julie wondered. She forged ahead to the front door, determined to handle this gracefully. She would certainly not accuse this woman or Josh of any inappropriateness. Instead, she would simply observe quietly and form her opinion afterwards. Right now, she wanted to spend time with her girls. Taking a deep breath, Julie ran her hands over her new haircut and knocked confidently on the door of the blue Victorian.

  Promptly, the door was opened by the woman Julie had seen in the window. From this angle Julie could see that her hair was expertly styled. Her face was tanned and pleasant, with minimal make up and naturally pretty. She was about three inches taller than Julie, heavier and not as toned, but still had a nice curvy figure. Josh had disappeared, no longer in the room visible from the window.

  “Hi,” the woman drawled with a Southern accent, extending her hand out to shake Julie’s. “You must be Julie! I’m so happy to finally meet you!” She enthusiastically pumped Julie’s hand causing her large breasts to jiggle from the motion. Julie could not help but stare. Her own breasts were smaller but nice sized, toned from exercise and certainly did not jiggle. Is this what Josh liked now?